无助 / helpless

已经离开了很久很久....我连祷告都不会了......



i left quite a long time....till i dont know how to pray....

我怎么了？/ what hapen to me?

昨天因为一件小事而把憋在肚子里的消极心情全都借机发泄出来。对，很多很多的事情都憋在心里，多到像沸腾的粥一样溢出来，在那一瞬间崩溃。



福建歌：“心事na beh讲出来，有谁人会知？”对，我没跟任何人说，似乎谁都不是我的倾诉对象。看来是平常一样的我，我心里是非常清楚我的心情像鳄鱼潭，湖面平静却里面有着危险，谁都不能靠近，心理上老早就出现问题。或许我应该找一些心理学的书籍来了解自己的状况，也或许我是时候找一找心理学医生聊聊天...



向往.....





Yesterday due to a small incident, i grabbed the opportunity to vent out all my negetive mood. Yea, a lot of things hold in my heart, like a boiling porridge overflow, collapsed in that instant.



A hokkien song :"no one know u if u never tell." Yea, i never tell to anybody mine, seems everybody not the right people to talk with. I look just exactly a normal but I'm pretty sure my feeling just like a crocodile lake, look peace on the lake, but danger inside; no one can go near to that lake, as what i thiking: Psychological sick. perhaps i should find some psychologi books to learn more about myself, or maybe i should talk to Psychologist...



looking forward.....

waste/浪费

Maybe famine 30 is a hint to remind my attitude now...



recently i found out i will left something on my dishers. The past, no matter how full am i, no matter how distasteful am i, i will think of those poor communities and just told myself how nice condition i am in now, i cant waste, i must try anyway to finish them. But now, throw or just left them there whenever feel full, distastefull or appetite. I will start complain on everything just not to finish them. What happen to me now? Is it condition i'm having become better? Or i forget what is thanks giving?





可能饥饿30是提醒我这个不良习惯的....



最近发现自己开始会吃剩食物...以前，就算吃到肚子多胀，就算多食物难吃，我都会想到那些一天都可能没吃到一餐的人们，告诉自己我是多么地幸福，我不可以浪费食物，无论如何都要把吃完...可是现在，饱了，不要吃，丢；不好吃，丢；没胃口，吃不下，丢，我到底怎么了？是环境越来越好了？还是不记得什么是感恩了？

忆曾经无聊的日子

想写下，是怕自己渐渐衰退的记忆力记不起来....



突然听到光良和曹格的《少年》，就想说上网download，阴差阳错（其实是那时我不懂歌名，跑去打‘年少’）下找到年少的歌，一些画面涌现在我脑海....



记得那是semester break，在家超无聊的我，开着电脑，玩着window的minesweeper，听着当时是年少的新专辑，就这样重复地玩，重复地听了一个下午，老妈子吹她的成名曲之一‘催吃曲’催我去吃饭。跟我住过的人都知道，我是那种不能接受不停地重复听同一堆歌的人，但是那一个下午我却这么做了！



我不记得那个专辑的名字，也不知道怎样得到那整个专辑的歌，更加不懂我怎样从吉隆坡弄进我家金宝的电脑(那时我没有pendrive)，只记得那时我重复听好多好多遍...还记得开学之后逼朋友教我用福建话唱《大风吹》的chorus部分，再不停地用我的烂歌喉+超烂不准的福建华唱，非要扰人上课做功课吃饭睡觉冲凉生活到人家bik cik叫我住嘴...我还是在唱...就只那么两句chorus...呵呵呵...those were the days...



现在都尝试在找回那些歌曲，一些部分都还能哼着唱...现在回想起来我也觉得奇怪：为什么我不会对这个专辑重复听而感到厌烦？是太无聊了？还是真的耐听？不过可以一提的是：马来西亚的歌并不是都lame和难听的。大马歌艺圈加油！

egg crack day

People may know, this year my egg crack day is same with father's day. As same as previous year, we dont celebrate father's day. I didn't back to kampar and part of the reason cause work and $$ too.



People asked me : How i celebrate this day? Maybe as what i said : I'm old joh. Now birthday for me is a day that thanks mum who give birth to me, thanks giving that I alive till now, cake n celebration and gift is no more important to me. maybe some blessing from 'shuk bak hing dei, sam gu lok poh, gak ling lun seh, chan peng cik yau' is enough for me. At least they remember my day. Right?



Wake up, attend church service, (so long never attend sunday service joh, 1st time go that church somemore, LOL) have a better lunch at one utama with my bf, work, go home n take 2 hours nap, wake up, eat sardin sandwich that made by my bf (i'm too lazy to cook), and watch movie using my pc. oh ya, and reply testi in friendster, reply hp msg, msn....thanks for the blessing dude!



Maybe u guys not believe / hard to believe, but this really how i pass my day this year...Hahaha!

spyware!arghh!!!

stupid spyware!!! i'm having problem with it! adaware..nope...AVG..nope...who else can help me??

征服

偶然发现爬山可以拾到征服感、毅力、坚持...也很久很久没有运动了...那一天回家乡终于如愿以偿了！就找了个‘想当年’可以一口气到山顶的龙山道。cheh...sap sap水啦！还很神气地笑我男朋友一定爬到一半要我等他。



龙山道路牌已见，但往日的路不知所综，有的就是黄泥路和一排新的屋子。去问了附近的人家，才发现还有另一条的入口。屈指一算，我都四五年没来了！难怪那个uncle用奇怪的表情回答我...



上气不接下气、脸色发白、脚酸软、有点晕，都是我每一次运动的状态，想必这次也一样，继续我的步伐，过了我称之为‘过渡期’后就不是问题了。那时第一站都还没到。心想：可不是这么快就累了吧！继续往上爬，真的不行了！已经到极限了！第一站还没到就真的下山了。还严重到下山的时候脚软...



全程都只花了半个小时就回到车上来。那一丁点的什么征服感、什么毅力什么坚持都拾不到，反而更严重被挫败，心情更一度跌入谷底。所谓的‘想当年’真的变成想当年了！现在都那一句话：老了！

mother's day

this year 1st time celebrate mother's day...we went to ipoh 2 in 1 (BBQ and steamboat) restaurant to have our dinner...3 out of 6 never been such restaurant before..during the meal, got laughter (so long never have that), got people not sactisfy the eating place i choose, got people split his drink (every meal sure have at least 1 case...traditional lai d ;p), got people nonstop talk and eat less, got people nonstop cook the food and eat less, but got people nonstop eat...



alike? not alike?





somebody found out they fat joh...i'm the 1 of the so call 'them'! no body shape d bucket! T.T Go and return home with left(mum) and right(my sis) 'altec lansing' speaker...and of course a woofer(my bro) in the car! @.@ noisy family

要坚强啊！

今天收到消息,说威强的父亲车祸去世。我一直都向他拿不到手机号码，就在这里传达信息给他 ：



我听到你父亲的消息，不止我，想必你也感到震惊。我不认识你父亲，也没见过他，不过还是希望你父亲rest in peace...往后的日子，你家的重担将落在身为长子的你身上，你要坚强啊！无论发生什么事，无论生活多艰巨，要记得，还有你的家人、你的伴侣、还有MDBC、朋友们在你身边支持者你，鼓励着你，而我也会在远处，精神上支持你的！

love is.... MV

This is the MV i made when i'm in college. thats the one n only MV i made so far. without great assist of jinhui n shanyuan, i can imagine how worse this MV would be. thanks dude!

MSN Messenger Status detector

Try this out! http://www.quienteadmite.com/index-en.php



See right now in a safe way which "friends" have Deleted you!!

i smell something

i smell something

the feeling stronger than before

oh..gosh

i hate that feeling

i rather i know nothing

or wish it never happen



things happen just like 2 balls throw on my left n right side

when i trying to avoid the balls

but look worst

hits on me harder

and i couldnt even escape

escape means give up

no....no!dont want!

greedy me

feel helpless



i know thing will become worse than now

maybe i'm goin to a dark cage

just hope that god will change my direction

or prepare another brighter path in front of me...



or...should i escape?

严重的失误

第一次犯了这么严重的失误，一时不能原谅自己...



那天傍晚，第一次地从低楼爬楼梯到25楼，在为这事沾沾自喜+自觉‘宝刀’已经老的时候，不知道是不是只想着回家，还是太‘得意忘形’，竟然把整串锁匙插在大木门外就进屋子了！



5个小时后，我朋友回来，下了他们一跳！那时已经是半夜12点了。如果他们没有回来，如果刚好有不法之徒经过看到，后果真的不堪设想了....真的是所谓的‘甘大只gak la随街跳、引贼入屋’罗！聪明一点的歹徒也有可能拿我的锁匙去打一串一模一样，再插回去，再找个好时机把屋子一扫而空也说不定...



经朋友一说，自己再幻想一下后果的严重性；为了我的安全，也为了室友和家私电脑们的安全，我当场拿了我的窗口锁头‘顶住档’，第二天再买一个新的。



不多不少抱着越贵越好的心态+店员的介绍，我买了一个RM45的锁头，回到公司被同事笑我买贵了...看了看锁头，真的不值得？？



“这笔钱是拿来破财挡灾啦....”在想着因为自己的失误浪费了钱的同时，也这么安慰着自己...

late post about CNY - 2nd day of CNY

今年没有在外婆家度过，就因为姐姐一句话：想吃火锅。拜完年，就匆匆回家准备火锅的食物。初二，通常大姑二姑都会过来一起吃餐饭。近这几年就不大齐人了..可能婆婆在新加坡的关系吧！大姑一家去澳洲度过新年，今年就只我们和二姑一家了。



提议的是姐姐，但是跑掉的也是姐姐。她竟然在今天跑去槟城玩！>.<



印象中，应该是第一次在家开火锅餐吧！却都没有火锅的feel的！桌子太小，炉就在另外一边；妈妈觉得为了省时间，就快收快叫地把食物丢进炉里，熟了，捞上来放在桌子上，再不停地重复这一系列的动作。我们就只是负责坐在桌子前把熟了的食物吃完就行了。全程就是不停地吃就行了。爸爸很快就离座，才发现他不喜欢吃火锅。硬硬把一大碗满满的食物端去客厅，丢在他面前，管他恨着说不要，都像聋子似地跑回去厨房继续大战。



借爸爸的手机（雍比我好的手机T.T）随便拍了几张烂到不行的照片：



像一场快速又平静的战争





（左起）小弟，表哥伯鸣和姑丈





自以为很靓仔+超级自恋狂的大弟-难得摆一个超丑的pose





夜晚来临，当然是我的活跃时间。又一次去了Dato的家。赌的赌，闲聊的闲聊，无聊的无聊。



赌神'mou'街





我和英豪（被人当msn display pic一段时间，原因是我的样子很搞笑 =.= ）





我和叉烧包





我和一年才见一次的嘉俊（>.< 我和他都异口同声觉得下次见面再拍过一张）





顺某人的要求摆的样子





塞不进我的头？还是photographer的问题？





把我们当布景的ah yew和Dato





不只是嘉俊故意还是无意的全家福

aunty RIP

昨晚收到ah see的MSG，说佩珊的母亲去世了。打电话回去问收风快的妈妈，才知道aunty已经在一个星期前入住Pantai医院了...两三天前出院回家，最后还是捱不住....我也不清楚什么病，但是在去年新年就听说过aunty的脚已经出了状况，行动不便。今年新年没能去到佩珊家拜年，没想到那就是我的最后机会探望她老人家... :< 如果是受病折磨，希望她得到解脱...



打算在过一两天过后才联络佩珊...希望她振作起来，takziah...



难道今年是不祥之年？？

大便的比喻

一个误会

就像一块小鼻屎

塞在你的鼻子

当你没有清理

就会越存越多

最后

塞着鼻子

透不过气来



一个误会

就像一堆牙屎

不勤刷牙

最后

牙烂

被逼拔掉



一个误会

就像一堆耳屎

不把它挖走

就会让你什么也听不进去



一个误会

就像眼屎

不把它抹掉

就看不到眼前所发生的事



一个误会

就像大肠里的大便

不大出来

久了

就越来越多

越来越臭

到时毒素满身跑

脾气也变得格外暴躁



一个误会被置之不理

可以越滚越大

足以让你看不清听不清事实

RIP 文扬

那天在逛pc fair的时候接到一通电话，说文扬出事了..



“据说上上星期六他是在"沙登"附近發生車禍,邵事司機報案說是他闖紅燈,他轉了3間醫院,在醫院昏迷了一天,沒有動手術,原因是沒有醫生.庆幸第2天他醒了過來,第3,第4天會打電話聊天,第五天忽然間腦部細菌感染,
進入ICU,病情急轉直下,星期日早上醫生宣布他腦死.”（载自金慧的部落格）



他的心脏都还在跳动。他家人都不肯签字，和拔掉那些仪器。是吧！心脏跳动，说不定有奇迹会醒来呢！他的家人都在等着那个奇迹吧...况且，要签下字，要让自己的亲生儿子死，是痛苦的抉择。



最后还是在星期一的那一天，抉择作了，正式去世了。上个月一个学弟，这个月一个同学....下个月只奢望大家都活得好好的...



不记得四年前的哪一天...初到学院的我...不知道如何认识了他...在那一晚大家聚在mamak...那几句“你81年的？做么酱迟才读书的？之前做什么来wor?哪里人？怡保？我金宝的耶！.....”......都在记忆里......

打击

一直以来都希望可以做些事

机会来了

却出现很多阻碍

好，没关系

还有你们的支持

一切都可以解决

最后，

却因为偏见

我的愿望受了重重的一击！



也许，

心情可以影响很多东西

也可以影响很深

但是心情加偏见

更可以影响一个结局



我知道他们（或他？）对我存有很大的偏见

这是一个全世界都知道的事实

但我却无可奈何

也让你们束手无策



那天有个就没联络的老朋友

谈起以前的事

也勾起我一些遗忘了的回忆

原来

我们大家都共同有很多很多的回忆

纵然我已经很明确地知道答案

我还是不禁地问自己

这些时光会再出现吗？

让自己变得更怀念过去

更舍不得过去

无形中施压于一些人

可能他们也都已经怕了我吧



颤抖地哭了

激动得很

感到不甘心

很受委屈

却深沉一想

我也必须付出一半的责任

出外逛一逛，玩一玩

心情也都平复了

之前的一切都不怎么在意了

算吧！

又不是第一次了

撇不掉的关系

以后的日子

肯定还会遇上



除非我放弃

late post about CNY - 1st day of CNY

1st day of CNY, should be a nice and noisy and busy day. But for my family, what we done?



In the morning:

dad : cycling...can spend whole morning for that. =.= so sporting

mum : prepare food lor..and those 拜神 thing..

my sister : zZzzzzzz

me : zZzzzz

my brother : zZzzzz

my youngest brother : join his school lion dance...leading the lion..what people call 带狮头, but for me, he is the botak fat guy with a bamboo fan d character.haha!



The lion reach my house,me n brother woke up by the the lion dance team, my brother jump down from the bed and go 'make up'(he so care his outlook d lar) and i go to my sister room, continue sleep..Haha!



i heard a boy talking to my brother after borrow our toilet:

boy : i dont know how to tide the pants with this long cloth, can u help me?

brother : ok

boy : they gone?

brother : yea

boy : har?then how?

brother : how i know u wor?

boy : will they come back?

brother : how i know wor?

boy : if they dont come back fetch me then how?

brother : how i know u wor?

boy : when they gone?

brother : the other side of the stret.

boy : then how wor?

brother : how i know u wor?



I think the boy the 1st time join lion dance lar..aiya..where u can hear the drums n cymbol sound, there where the ur team went lor..ask so many q...make ppl pening d boy..



i still last time, a boy who dance the lion head d, drop his pants! Haha! luckily he got wear short pants inside lar..else...charm lor..why this year didnt happen the same thing again d? (6)



After the luch, my sister and mum get back to sleep again, especially when i start chat with them... =.=''' so not give face 1! pressing the tv controll alone at living room, for whole afternoon. Sian leh! TV no nice programme to watch d! (bo huat..no astro mah) Suddenly somebody call my name. Gradma's sister! woke up my mum, the funniest thing was, we went ot my sister room (the hottest room in my house) and chat there! hmm..i wonder how many years i didnt see her?



无惊无险又到了晚餐时间.My dad back frm dont know jogging or hiking lar, and he go da bao 素鱼生.walau! that shop seems 持着自己是唯一一间素食店,调高价钱！他妈的！then we 打锣甘 find my 'lan街ing' d brother to have dinner together. Bik cik him! always want whole world wait him 1! >.<



At night, active time! go yam cha! woohooo!

late post about CNY - New Year's eve

No kuih today. House cleaning. But guess what i did?



1. Wake up late.

2. Choose those old cloth to throw. (but play with those clothes more than choose)

3. Having nap.

4. Sambil play and and lap almari.

5. Watch TV.

6. Having meal.

7. Kacau family mambers :p



People use to 兴致勃勃 to decorate house, cleaning house etc, but i'm in lazy mode...so...真是不孝顺呐！



At night, before 12am, dato, wai chow etc came to my house. I thought go yam cha but actually they yam liao baru come find me...and go temple. Wait outside the temple till 12am sharp, they went in. We met another kit wan, they all stand in a line 一字排开 'gup' her and nonstop discuss about her. =.= i also got a kit wan in my house lar!! cheh!



Then we went to Dato house. As usual, after some talk, start gamble...n play ps2...hehe..dato's mum saw us and shocked (too many people liao) and say will give ang pau to us at other day...Haha!